Grief and Relief

A friend put in a request for a column addressing a sensitive subject. Over the years numerous folks have expressed similar emotions and there’s always guilt in their voices when they’ve told me about it.

When a loved one dies, the one left behind feels grief but, frequently, also relief. Our relief produces guilt. “If I truly loved him or her, how can I feel relief that they’re gone?”

Grief is a complex issue. It is neither simple nor is there a standard that applies to everyone. People may not express grief the way we expect. They may not feel grief until some time has passed. Sometimes, grief may be triggered anew by random stimulus, a smell, a sound, a glimpse of resemblance.

Our brain builds on repetition and expectation. When we’ve been with someone our minds process the world in light of our relationship. The more someone forms an integral part of our self-identity, the more profound the grief. If we see ourselves as spouse, parent, child, friend, as a primary source of identity, we typically have a longer, more profound grief.

Circumstances also play a huge role in the process. If we have been a caregiver for someone suffering illness, their passing is undeniably a relief from the burden we’ve carried. That’s logical. I’ve known folks utterly devoted to caring for a long suffering loved one who truly grieve but also feel real relief to be freed from the burden.

When someone has an untimely death through happenstance the grief can be a long term ache in the soul because we don’t have a context other than simple loss.

When, someone is, at least reasonably, healthy and chooses to take their own life it becomes more complex. It is quite possible to feel grief, anger, bewilderment, a whole plethora of emotions that flood us all at once. When we feel anger and relief in that situation we frequently feel an underlying guilt at not feeling greater grief or compassion.

First of all, there’s nothing inherently wrong with honest emotions. No one who feels should ever be told they have no right to their honest emotions. Just because one person reacts differently or claims primacy because their situation is, arguably, worse does not mean another person’s emotional response is unwarranted or delegitimized.

Instead of guilt I propose a slight shift in dealing with grief, especially when we may feel a sense of guilt for our emotional response. Grief is an opportunity for great personal growth. Covering up our grief through busyness and distractions doesn’t relieve grief, it only buries it and it can come back with a vengeance.

When we face our grief honestly and use it as a way of understanding ourselves and putting our pieces back together we can grow both psychologically and spiritually. Certainly there are few situations which give more impetus to self-reflection. It may be painful, probably should be painful, but it can also make us better and stronger for having gone through it.